honourbyname | [OOM] Letters and Confrontations

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[OOM] Letters and Confrontations

Hogwarts is both a big and small enough place to be to suit one's needs.

Big enough to hide away when you want to, when you're trying to avoid someone and stay out of someone's way.

Small enough because no matter how much you hide or avoid someone, they're always within sight of you - during mealtimes, during night hours, during after-class study hours.

It's worse when you're in the same House.

Albus has been avoiding Scorpius for a little more than a week now, though the letter he'd received from the other boy in Milliways has been on his person at all times, usually tucked into the pockets of his robes, or hidden between the pages of whatever textbook he happened to be reading at the time.

He didn't have to worry about anyone coming over and nicking his book off him.

No one but Scorpius, himself, really did that. And, well ...

He's read the letter now more times than he can count, and he can practically recite it word for word if he wanted to.

It wasn't that Albus never wanted to speak to Scorpius again; far from it, in fact.

It's just ... it's waiting for the right moment to have a conversation.

And it's Albus giving Scorpius' letter a great deal of thought. And giving Scorpius a great deal of thought.

Albus still has no bloody clue what to think about him.

But there's one thing he has missed, and it's his friend.

So, gathering what little courage he has that allows him to remain a Potter at all, Albus decides to find Scorpius.

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Yes.

And he should just say it.

The words are there, stored up in his head like a speech written up on a set of cue cards; all it would take is a quick and easy recitation, even if those cue cards are looking a bit jumbled at the moment.

But if he says it, then it's final.

Then Scorpius will (he fears) react badly, and while Lily did say that chances of that happening were unlikely, and that if he did, then 'to hell with him' ... but it's not that easy, is it?

This is why Albus hates confrontations.

"Okay," he says, proud of the fact that he does not squeak or allow his voice to crack.

In fact, it sounds almost uncharacteristically confident ... before it quickly spirals downwards.

"Well. I - um. Got your letter, as you know. And um. I gave it a lot of thought. And - um. Well, we were mates before this - before you - er."

Ohgod.

He's skipping about three of those mental cue cards right now.

"So. Even if I haven't really got - I mean, I don't really know - er. I would like to still be your friend, if ... if you want."

Albus currently wishes the ground would just swallow him up whole. Or a great three-headed monster suddenly bursts through the door and eats him.

That was said all wrong.

All. Wrong.

"Right. That's what I thought."

Scorpius pushes to his feet. And if he rubs his sleeve across his eyes, then the dust is to blame. Because dusty places are dusty.

He isn't. He won't. He's not going to cry.

They were mates before, and now Albus doesn't want to be. That's all.

Except that Albus does?

What the other boy is really saying finally catches up with him.

"Wait, what?"

For one horrified moment, one night (or day)-terror instant in time, as Albus watches Scorpius get to his feet, it's like his worst night (or day)-mares are coming to life.

Scorpius. Is. Going. To. Just. Leave.

But then he pauses.

See, it matters to Albus what Scorpius does.

It matters to him more than he really thought it would, because he'd never had a great many friends, so he assumed he'd just get used to never speaking to Scorpius again like they'd done for nearly six whole years.

Except that he wouldn't get used to it again.

Not anymore.

Not when they share Milliways in common, and they had a lot of laughs, and Scorpius is really, really cool - and they have a surprising amount of stuff in common.

Albus lets out a breath (of relief) and clears his throat.

Round two, here we go.

Let us try to sound a little more articulate this time, please.

"I - er. I want us to still be friends? But - um. That's only if you want. I don't know ... I don't know exactly about the other stuff yet, how I feel, and I don't want to give you any - um." Ohgod. "Wrong impressions, or anything. Because I never - well. I really think you're cool, and I like being your friend. That's all."

... well, it could have been worse.

Scorpius finds himself staring again.

This time at Albus and not at the floor or the wall or the letter in his hand.

Then, he laughs. (With relief!)

"Uhm, well, yeah. 'Course I still want to be friends. That was the whole point of the letter, really."

Edited 2011-04-14 15:53 (UTC)

"I know," says Albus quickly, "it's just - well. You could still have changed your mind. Or ..."

Or decide it just simply wasn't worth it, if Albus couldn't reciprocate Scorpius' confession so readily.

Still, when Scorpius laughs, it's like all the tension in the stairwell space suddenly lifts and Albus can breathe normally. "But - I'm glad. Really, really glad."

"Oh. Well, no, my mind remains unchanged."

Grinning, he sits down on his step again. He's glad too. Really, really glad.

"But, uhm, what did you mean by the rest of that? About not knowing how you feel?"

Because that bit was somewhat confusing to him.

Edited 2011-04-14 16:06 (UTC)

"Nothing," is Albus' go-to, instinctual reply, being the sort that keeps all things to himself.

But it's really not nothing.

"Er. That is, I mean ... well, you said you -" And here, Albus blushes furiously, before he manages to croak out the words, "- fan-fancy me, but I dunno.

"I've never actually - well, you wrote it yourself, I've never really fancied blokes before. So it's - well, it was a surprise that you -"

He huffs a frustrated sigh and tries again. "I don't really know how I feel about ... about you, beyond the fact that I still want to be friends. And I suppose it doesn't really matter anyway, does it, because -"

No. That sounds like it could be some really weird sort of accusation, and it's not what he means at all.

"I guess I'm just a bit confused. In general. About everything. And I don't really know why you'd even fancy me."

"I thought, uhm - I thought that was all you felt. Just friendship, I mean. I wasn't - I didn't mean to confuse you. About anything."

Scorpius frowns. He's confused again now too.

"I fancy you because I - No, I don't want to..."

How can he even explain that?

He trails off in a mumble, shaking his head.

"You like girls, Albus. What I feel doesn't matter because you likes girls."

Stupidly, Albus responds with a very smooth, not-at-all confident, "Oh."

Well. That settles things, doesn't it? That Scorpius says Albus likes girls, so he does.

All right, so it's true. Albus does like girls. Or ... well, a couple of them, anyway.

Honestly, his whole romantic history is a bit scarce at best.

Shamefully scarce, actually.

Blimey.

The last thing he needs right now is more embarrassment.

"Okay. Right."

He doesn't feel like Scorpius saying that has made things any less confusing.

Scorpius blinks stupidly up at Albus.

"Okay?"

He feels like he's suddenly said the wrong thing. And he's not even sure what that could be.

Albus shrugs.

He kicks at the bottom step with the toe of his shoe, watching as it makes contact each time for something to direct his gaze to.

"Yeah," he mumbles. "Okay. I - um. I don't really know what else to say. I mean, it's a lot - a lot to think about. And take in."

He stops kicking at the step.

"In all the years you knew me, did you ever see me going out with a girl? Or even express that I liked a girl? Except Alexis, but only because it came up in conversation." He lets out a breath. "Besides her, there was one other girl ... back in Third Year. Delia Baker from ... from Gryffindor. And obviously nothing happened. I just had a ... a really nice conversation with her once, after the Quidditch game between Ravenclaw and Gryffindor.

"So what if I - I mean, should I rule it out? Do I really know anything at all?"

Scorpius pulls his feet out of kicking reach, in case Albus gets the urge to kick someone instead of something.

Not that he thinks Albus really would, but Albus is clearly telling him that he should stop assuming things.

"Oh. So, uhm. Oh."

He doesn't know what to say now.

Albus presses his lips into a thin line and glances down at the flagstones of the floor.

"... yeah. I'm not good at any of this."

"Right. I'm not any good at this either. I - My first girlfriend, Olivia, she asked me and then my parents were the ones who set up all those dates for me after her and I split. Annabeth's the first girl I've ever - and you're the first boy..."

He trails off. He doesn't think any of this is helping.

He clears his throat and pulls himself together, sitting up straighter on the stair.

"Right," he says again. "I can't help you figure any of this out. Because I can't be objective; I'd only try to influence your feelings in my favour. And you could end up hating me for that. So.

"I fancy you. You know that, I know that. But, whatever I feel for you, that doesn't matter. You have to figure out how you feel. About... girls and boys and me.

"I won't lie and say I don't hope for - Well, you know. And I can't wait around hoping either. Let's just... Let's be friends. We both want that, right? So, we'll do that. And if you decide you're interested, we can talk about this again. And if you're not..."

He shrugs.

"We're friends."

"All right," Albus says. "That's a good, um. Logical plan."

And in the end, they're still friends.

Which is the most important part of all this confusing, complicated messiness.

He lets out a breath and offers Scorpius a smile.

He even decides to join him on the step.

Scorpius returns the smile.

He can't stop himself from having these feelings he has for Albus, but he does feel better knowing that the other boy is still content to be his friend.

"So, uhm, would it be rather stupid of me to ask you how you've been?"

Edited 2011-04-14 22:56 (UTC)

"No," says Albus, shaking his head. "I mean, I'm sure you probably know the answer ... but it isn't stupid."

He shrugs.

"Confused is how I've been. Really confused. And - um. Well, it was kind of ... quiet. Well, not in my head, but ... otherwise - yeah."

"Yeah."

Scorpius nods his head along in understanding. Then he ducks his head, a shy smile.

"Sorry."

"It's all right," says Albus dismissively. "I mean ... I never would've noticed, really, unless you told me ... though there was that one time when you'd been acting really - um. Well, a bit odd."

He smiles, too. It's vaguely teasing.

Scorpius laughs. The sort of laugh that if he was the sort to snort, it would have been interrupted by a loud one. Purely genuine.

"Oh. Only the one time? Well, that's good to know. Maybe there's a, er, chance I can do undercover work still, then."

"Probably," Albus agrees, nodding. "But then, I'm completely rubbish at detective work, so it's not like I'm much of a judge either."

That's okay, Albus. He stills like you anyway.

"Your grandmum is rather brilliant at it."

Scorpius leans back on the stair, elbows resting on the next one up.

"I told her about this note Red had found - she's been putting things on the top of my canopy, did you know? - and you should have heard her. Maybe we're just meant for something else."

"I reckon you're right," says Albus, nodding again. "My grandmum ... my grandmum's the best, isn't she?"

His smile suddenly seems a bit sad.

"I haven't been able to tell anyone else about her. I mean, I could tell James, I suppose, but ..."

He shrugs.

"Red's doing well at Hogwarts, then? I think I spotted her digging around Philip's things the other day."

"Or you could just keep her for yourself. Though, I can't promise I won't talk to her. I have to check on how Mr Benedict Oliver Nathaniel Edgington-Smith is faring.

"And, oh Merlin. Are you serious? People will start to think I've trained her to steal their things, if she keeps doing that."

"... Mr Benedict what-now?"

There is a frown of frowny proportions.

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