[not-quite-an-OOM] Confessions to Lily

[honourbyname]

Albus almost, very nearly, decides never to use the door to Milliways again.

If only because chances of running into Scorpius there always seem to be greater than they are when he's at school with him. (Which probably shouldn't make any sense when he thinks about it because they're in the same house and share most of the same classes.)

It's just -

It's been difficult to face just about anyone lately.

He thinks he must seem an awful friend to Rose and Andrew (and Honoria when she isn't hanging about her Quidditch-playing Hufflepuff Captain boyfriend). He's been avoiding them too, ashamed to have them notice how un-Albus he is, for reasons he can't quite get into because that'd require far too many explanations and unanswered questions.

Of course, it isn't that he wants to be alone; he'd welcome company if he thought they could sympathize. If he could avoid a long-winded narrative he simply doesn't think he can bring himself to explain without bursting into tears or something equally as mortifying.

Which is why he does end up going back to the Bar.

He finds an isolated enough area to hide, but keeps a constant watch on the door in case the girl whose eyes he inherited happens to walk through.

Comments

[lilium_evansiae]

Lily frowns more.

"Oh, Albus. I'm so sorry."

It's a miserable thing.

(Lily would know. Lily does know.)

"Can I ask what happened?"

[honourbyname]

Albus frowns too.

He finds he can't even look at Lily when he speaks.

He feels ... awful.

But he needs to tell her.

He wants to tell her.

He wants to tell her everything.

"A while back, he asked me to skive class with him, though he never specified when we'd actually do it," Albus explains. "And - um. Then a little more than a week ago, that's when we went out to the bridge. I had Arithmancy. And then -"

[lilium_evansiae]

Lily slides out of her seat, comes around the table, and slides in next to Albus.

She puts one arm across his shoulders.

"And then?" she asks, gently.

[honourbyname]

Albus swallows.

He so doesn't want to cry in front of her.

But -

"It was his birthday," he says, his voice sounding weak, even to him. "I told him I'd get him something, but he said I - um. I didn't have to."

He lets out a breath, to steady his vaguely shaky composure.

"And I thought it was all right, that we were just talking like friends do, but then I must've said the wrong thing, or acted like - I don't know."

[lilium_evansiae]

"What did you say?"

And what did Scorpius say?

Because Lily is not at all ready to assign the blame for 'wrong thing' as her grandson is.

[honourbyname]

"I said - um. 'That's what friends do'," Albus says. "And he asked me - well, I think he wanted to ask if that was all we were. So, I told him I ... didn't know. And he said ... he said he didn't know if we could be friends anymore, because -"

His throat feels thick, and he has to swallow again to continue.

"Lily," he says, "I - I made him cry. I've never made anyone cry before - not even - not even my sister."

[lilium_evansiae]

"So he got upset, because you told him, in all honesty, that you don't know how you feel about him?" Lily asks.

"And he doesn't think you can be just friends?"

[honourbyname]

Albus shakes his head, 'no', keeping his lips pressed together.

It was clear by the look on Scorpius' face and by what he'd said that 'friends' wasn't good enough.


"He thought it'd be easier if we ignored each other again. Like - um. Like we did before we both found Milliways." Albus can feel his eyes pricking with tears already.

He really hoped he wouldn't do this.

"I said - that maybe we should. If it'd be easier."

[lilium_evansiae]

"I see," Lily says.

"And ... and that's where things are now?"

[honourbyname]

"Yeah."

His voice is quiet, thick with emotion, and - frankly - a little tired.

It has been basically all he could think about since it happened. He's been trying not to let it affect his studies, but - Scorpius is in nearly all of his classes, and it's terribly hard to ignore someone you've started to care about a lot.

"After that, I just ... walked back to the school. And I haven't talked to him since."

Or passed each other by in halls.

Or made eye contact or anything.

[lilium_evansiae]

Lily nods, and then uses the arm she still has across his shoulder to pull him into a hug.

"Oh, Albus, I am so sorry."

[honourbyname]

It's a hug Albus readily and gratefully accepts.

It's the breaking point for him, though.

After that, silent tears start to trickle from those green eyes that are so like hers.

"I - I didn't think he'd -"

Ugh.

He sniffles.

"I thought it'd be - okay."

[lilium_evansiae]

"I know," she says, quietly.

"And you really, really want it to be.

"And it hurts in ways you don't have words for that it's not.

"But sometimes, it's just ... it's just not."

[honourbyname]

Albus nods, gingerly wiping at his eyes.

He takes a breath, but it still doesn't seem to stop him from making an embarrassing spectacle of himself.

"No, it's - not," he agrees. "And it - it's been horrible. Lily, I don't know what to do."

[lilium_evansiae]

And Lily really, really wishes she knew something to tell him that would make things clearer or better, but honestly, it's probably just going to go on being awful for a while.

"I don't know that there is anything you can do.

"I don't know that there is anything different you could have done."

[honourbyname]

It's not exactly what he would have liked to hear, but it's the truth - and more than that, he could appreciate it.

Albus nods again, instead.

He rubs at his nose.

"Oh.

"I just - I feel ... really bad. I couldn't even tell anyone else about it. No one else knows."

[lilium_evansiae]

"Well, I know, and you can tell me whatever you want about it."

So there's that at least.

[honourbyname]

"Yeah," he says.

He hugs her again.

"Thank you, Lily. For listening."

[lilium_evansiae]

"You're welcome."

She hesitates for a moment and then continues.

"You know, Albus, it honestly probably is 'easier' for you to not be friends at all than to try to be friends around his fancying you, if you weren't certain how you felt about him.

"It may not be better, but it probably is 'easier'."

[honourbyname]

"So ... I made the right decision, then?"

Even if it hurts worse than anything he's ever felt before?

[lilium_evansiae]

"Bearing in mind that I am probably not the most objective person you could be asking ...

"Yeah, I think you did. Of the choices you had, I think you took the only one you could take.

"Look, Albus, what he was asking of you ... it's a lot to ask. And if you told him you needed time before you knew how you felt, then ... then, I'm sorry, but he should have respected that. And not pressured you for an answer.

"Not when you weren't ready to give one."

[honourbyname]

Albus nods, studying the woodgrain of their booth table once more.

It's true, what Lily is saying.

It makes so much sense. (Which is why he knew he could talk to her, and she'd understand.)

But it doesn't seem to match the discomfort in his gut, even still.

"What if I ... never become ready to give an answer?" he asks quietly. "What would it mean then?"

[lilium_evansiae]

"Never ready to give an answer at all, or never ready to give the one he wants?

"Because ... well, eventually not answering is the same as a 'no', isn't it?"

[honourbyname]

"Yeah."

Albus shakes his head.

"Right. I mean ... I suppose I mean the latter, then."

[lilium_evansiae]

"Then it means you don't fancy him," Lily says. "And ... that happens all the time. People fancy you and you're not interested and the other way around.

"It's just a lot more awkward and awful when it's a friend.

"Especially once it's out in the open."

There is a reason Lily cut Severus off every time it sounded like he might say something along those lines.

"You are not under any obligation to fancy someone just because he -- or she -- fancies you. Ever."