Albus Severus Potter (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
honourbyname) wrote2011-07-14 10:42 pm
honourbyname) wrote2011-07-14 10:42 pm
Entry tags:
[not-quite-an-OOM] Confessions to Lily
Albus almost, very nearly, decides never to use the door to Milliways again.
If only because chances of running into Scorpius there always seem to be greater than they are when he's at school with him. (Which probably shouldn't make any sense when he thinks about it because they're in the same house and share most of the same classes.)
It's just -
It's been difficult to face just about anyone lately.
He thinks he must seem an awful friend to Rose and Andrew (and Honoria when she isn't hanging about her Quidditch-playing Hufflepuff Captain boyfriend). He's been avoiding them too, ashamed to have them notice how un-Albus he is, for reasons he can't quite get into because that'd require far too many explanations and unanswered questions.
Of course, it isn't that he wants to be alone; he'd welcome company if he thought they could sympathize. If he could avoid a long-winded narrative he simply doesn't think he can bring himself to explain without bursting into tears or something equally as mortifying.
Which is why he does end up going back to the Bar.
He finds an isolated enough area to hide, but keeps a constant watch on the door in case the girl whose eyes he inherited happens to walk through.
If only because chances of running into Scorpius there always seem to be greater than they are when he's at school with him. (Which probably shouldn't make any sense when he thinks about it because they're in the same house and share most of the same classes.)
It's just -
It's been difficult to face just about anyone lately.
He thinks he must seem an awful friend to Rose and Andrew (and Honoria when she isn't hanging about her Quidditch-playing Hufflepuff Captain boyfriend). He's been avoiding them too, ashamed to have them notice how un-Albus he is, for reasons he can't quite get into because that'd require far too many explanations and unanswered questions.
Of course, it isn't that he wants to be alone; he'd welcome company if he thought they could sympathize. If he could avoid a long-winded narrative he simply doesn't think he can bring himself to explain without bursting into tears or something equally as mortifying.
Which is why he does end up going back to the Bar.
He finds an isolated enough area to hide, but keeps a constant watch on the door in case the girl whose eyes he inherited happens to walk through.
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So there's that at least.
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He hugs her again.
"Thank you, Lily. For listening."
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She hesitates for a moment and then continues.
"You know, Albus, it honestly probably is 'easier' for you to not be friends at all than to try to be friends around his fancying you, if you weren't certain how you felt about him.
"It may not be better, but it probably is 'easier'."
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Even if it hurts worse than anything he's ever felt before?
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"Yeah, I think you did. Of the choices you had, I think you took the only one you could take.
"Look, Albus, what he was asking of you ... it's a lot to ask. And if you told him you needed time before you knew how you felt, then ... then, I'm sorry, but he should have respected that. And not pressured you for an answer.
"Not when you weren't ready to give one."
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It's true, what Lily is saying.
It makes so much sense. (Which is why he knew he could talk to her, and she'd understand.)
But it doesn't seem to match the discomfort in his gut, even still.
"What if I ... never become ready to give an answer?" he asks quietly. "What would it mean then?"
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"Because ... well, eventually not answering is the same as a 'no', isn't it?"
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Albus shakes his head.
"Right. I mean ... I suppose I mean the latter, then."
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"It's just a lot more awkward and awful when it's a friend.
"Especially once it's out in the open."
There is a reason Lily cut Severus off every time it sounded like he might say something along those lines.
"You are not under any obligation to fancy someone just because he -- or she -- fancies you. Ever."
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At least in theory.
"But I suppose that'd mean we ... couldn't ever be friends again either."
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"But, Albus, I think ... from what you've said, I don't think Scorpius knows who you are.
"I mean, all this happened when you were skiving off a class. That's ... well, please correct me if I'm wrong, but that just doesn't sound like you. And I'm not saying it's bad that you broke a rule, but ... you like school, Albus. You're taking NEWT-level History of Magic, for heaven's sake. You probably would have gone on talking to Dad about books all night if Mum and I hadn't make you both come eat dinner.
"And there is nothing wrong with that. That's who you are, and you are a wonderful, thoughtful, intelligent person. Who ... who isn't the sort who skives off Arithmancy.
"Who isn't the sort who I would expect to be at all comfortable with skiving off Arithmancy."
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"But ... I thought I should just try something new. I'd also - um. Made sure it wouldn't be during a busy week. I don't really ... well, um. Like you said, I don't really do things like that. And maybe that ... made me boring. I didn't want to be boring."
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"And if people out there tell you that Albus is boring, then they're wrong. And stupid, as well.
"So be Albus. Because Albus is brilliant, all right?"
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It honestly feels a bit weird to smile after going so long without doing it.
He ducks his head a little.
"Um. Okay," he says. "Thanks, Lily."
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"I'm going to tell you one more thing, okay? Whether you and Scorpius wind up being friends or more than friends or this ends up applying to relationship with someone else ...
"Albus, try to have more faith in yourself.
"Scorpius Malfoy is not out of your league, you know. He's not cooler than you are, he's not better than you are. And if you can't see yourself as someone's equal ... I'm really not sure how you can truly be friends, never mind anything more."
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Those are certainly words he's never heard anyone tell him before.
It almost sounds like something his mum or dad might say. That it comes from his grandmum, who knows his situation - every bit of it, and understands - means the world to him.
(And maybe, just maybe, it means a little more. Because she is someone he'll never get to know in his timeline; not the way he knows her here, not any way at all. That she'll go on in her life knowing him - it's different.)
Albus nods, unsure what to say. Or how to explain what he's thinking.
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"You are going to be all right. Horrible as you feel now, horrible as you may go on feeling for a while, things will get better."
She knows.
Because she has been there.
And as horrible as it was ... as much as it hurt ... as much as it still occasionally is horrible and hurts ... it got better.
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His smile is a little stronger now, though things are still by no means 'back to normal' or anything.
(And he doesn't expect it will be for a while.
At least, now, he thinks he might cope a little better.)
But then his expression sobers.
"I ... wish he never fancied me," he confesses. "It'd be easier for him. And easier for me. I really didn't think I could hurt someone like that."
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"And that's a miserable feeling, too.
"I did that, you know. A couple months ago. Said something that I think hurt James far more than I could have hurt him if I'd been trying. I didn't mean to.
"It was awful.
"But ... but it's part of caring about someone, you know. Having the power to hurt them, giving them the power to hurt you.
"You never set out to hurt Scorpius. And I assume he didn't set out to hurt you.
"Sometimes it just happens. Because what you need and what the other person wants are ... irreconcilable. At least in that moment."
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He hadn't known that about his grandparents. But then, he doesn't know terribly much about them, besides the things his dad has told him.
(And those are things heard from others before.)
Getting the story straight from the source is another thing he'll treasure.
"And I do care about Scorpius, even if it's not the way he might ..." He frowns.
"Yeah. I suppose it would have ... come to this anyway. In the end."
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"And it may have, or it may yet, or everything could change again, or something that you haven't ever considered could happen. You and Scorpius may wind up friends, or more, or less to each other. And even if you want to, you can't force one of those outcomes and have it work, I don't think.
"And if Scorpius told you he wanted an answer now, which is what it sounds like he did, then you gave him the only one you could give.
"You know, James has asked me out so many times that I suspect we've both lost count. But it's only come up three times when it felt like something I was supposed to take seriously. And the first two of those I said no, or at least not yet. And it was more because the time was wrong than James was. Sometimes you're just not ready to date someone. And it wasn't the answer he wanted, and there was a brief sulking phase both times, but he backed off, and he gave space to deal with everything else and be sure. And when I was sure, of myself and of how I felt about him ... that's when I finally said yes. More than a year after he first asked."
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He isn't sure she's ever actually talked about his granddad before now. And his mind is warring between wanting to ask more about that, about them, and wanting to talk - just a little more - about Scorpius.
Because a part of him feels like - like once this conversation is over, once Albus goes back to school, leaves the Bar, sees Lily on her way, he'll never really get to talk about Scorpius again.
And he's not sure he's ready for that.
"I didn't know that.
"That's a long time."
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"And I think he's going to be worth taking the time to figure things out for."
But the waiting and the time were both pretty important parts of the equation.
(You see what she did there, Albus, don't you?)
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Albus nods.
"Timing," he says, "is everything for it to work, isn't it?"
He lets out a breath.
"I ... suppose neither of us is ready for it."
Yet. Maybe.
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"And that goes back to respecting who you are and what you need.
"And that's even more important than timing, I think.
"Anyone you're thinking about dating, or even just being good friend with, needs to respect those things. And if they don't ... they don't deserve you."
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