Albus Severus Potter (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
honourbyname) wrote2011-07-14 10:42 pm
honourbyname) wrote2011-07-14 10:42 pm
Entry tags:
[not-quite-an-OOM] Confessions to Lily
Albus almost, very nearly, decides never to use the door to Milliways again.
If only because chances of running into Scorpius there always seem to be greater than they are when he's at school with him. (Which probably shouldn't make any sense when he thinks about it because they're in the same house and share most of the same classes.)
It's just -
It's been difficult to face just about anyone lately.
He thinks he must seem an awful friend to Rose and Andrew (and Honoria when she isn't hanging about her Quidditch-playing Hufflepuff Captain boyfriend). He's been avoiding them too, ashamed to have them notice how un-Albus he is, for reasons he can't quite get into because that'd require far too many explanations and unanswered questions.
Of course, it isn't that he wants to be alone; he'd welcome company if he thought they could sympathize. If he could avoid a long-winded narrative he simply doesn't think he can bring himself to explain without bursting into tears or something equally as mortifying.
Which is why he does end up going back to the Bar.
He finds an isolated enough area to hide, but keeps a constant watch on the door in case the girl whose eyes he inherited happens to walk through.
If only because chances of running into Scorpius there always seem to be greater than they are when he's at school with him. (Which probably shouldn't make any sense when he thinks about it because they're in the same house and share most of the same classes.)
It's just -
It's been difficult to face just about anyone lately.
He thinks he must seem an awful friend to Rose and Andrew (and Honoria when she isn't hanging about her Quidditch-playing Hufflepuff Captain boyfriend). He's been avoiding them too, ashamed to have them notice how un-Albus he is, for reasons he can't quite get into because that'd require far too many explanations and unanswered questions.
Of course, it isn't that he wants to be alone; he'd welcome company if he thought they could sympathize. If he could avoid a long-winded narrative he simply doesn't think he can bring himself to explain without bursting into tears or something equally as mortifying.
Which is why he does end up going back to the Bar.
He finds an isolated enough area to hide, but keeps a constant watch on the door in case the girl whose eyes he inherited happens to walk through.
no subject
"I'm going to tell you one more thing, okay? Whether you and Scorpius wind up being friends or more than friends or this ends up applying to relationship with someone else ...
"Albus, try to have more faith in yourself.
"Scorpius Malfoy is not out of your league, you know. He's not cooler than you are, he's not better than you are. And if you can't see yourself as someone's equal ... I'm really not sure how you can truly be friends, never mind anything more."
no subject
Those are certainly words he's never heard anyone tell him before.
It almost sounds like something his mum or dad might say. That it comes from his grandmum, who knows his situation - every bit of it, and understands - means the world to him.
(And maybe, just maybe, it means a little more. Because she is someone he'll never get to know in his timeline; not the way he knows her here, not any way at all. That she'll go on in her life knowing him - it's different.)
Albus nods, unsure what to say. Or how to explain what he's thinking.
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"You are going to be all right. Horrible as you feel now, horrible as you may go on feeling for a while, things will get better."
She knows.
Because she has been there.
And as horrible as it was ... as much as it hurt ... as much as it still occasionally is horrible and hurts ... it got better.
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His smile is a little stronger now, though things are still by no means 'back to normal' or anything.
(And he doesn't expect it will be for a while.
At least, now, he thinks he might cope a little better.)
But then his expression sobers.
"I ... wish he never fancied me," he confesses. "It'd be easier for him. And easier for me. I really didn't think I could hurt someone like that."
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"And that's a miserable feeling, too.
"I did that, you know. A couple months ago. Said something that I think hurt James far more than I could have hurt him if I'd been trying. I didn't mean to.
"It was awful.
"But ... but it's part of caring about someone, you know. Having the power to hurt them, giving them the power to hurt you.
"You never set out to hurt Scorpius. And I assume he didn't set out to hurt you.
"Sometimes it just happens. Because what you need and what the other person wants are ... irreconcilable. At least in that moment."
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He hadn't known that about his grandparents. But then, he doesn't know terribly much about them, besides the things his dad has told him.
(And those are things heard from others before.)
Getting the story straight from the source is another thing he'll treasure.
"And I do care about Scorpius, even if it's not the way he might ..." He frowns.
"Yeah. I suppose it would have ... come to this anyway. In the end."
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"And it may have, or it may yet, or everything could change again, or something that you haven't ever considered could happen. You and Scorpius may wind up friends, or more, or less to each other. And even if you want to, you can't force one of those outcomes and have it work, I don't think.
"And if Scorpius told you he wanted an answer now, which is what it sounds like he did, then you gave him the only one you could give.
"You know, James has asked me out so many times that I suspect we've both lost count. But it's only come up three times when it felt like something I was supposed to take seriously. And the first two of those I said no, or at least not yet. And it was more because the time was wrong than James was. Sometimes you're just not ready to date someone. And it wasn't the answer he wanted, and there was a brief sulking phase both times, but he backed off, and he gave space to deal with everything else and be sure. And when I was sure, of myself and of how I felt about him ... that's when I finally said yes. More than a year after he first asked."
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He isn't sure she's ever actually talked about his granddad before now. And his mind is warring between wanting to ask more about that, about them, and wanting to talk - just a little more - about Scorpius.
Because a part of him feels like - like once this conversation is over, once Albus goes back to school, leaves the Bar, sees Lily on her way, he'll never really get to talk about Scorpius again.
And he's not sure he's ready for that.
"I didn't know that.
"That's a long time."
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"And I think he's going to be worth taking the time to figure things out for."
But the waiting and the time were both pretty important parts of the equation.
(You see what she did there, Albus, don't you?)
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Albus nods.
"Timing," he says, "is everything for it to work, isn't it?"
He lets out a breath.
"I ... suppose neither of us is ready for it."
Yet. Maybe.
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"And that goes back to respecting who you are and what you need.
"And that's even more important than timing, I think.
"Anyone you're thinking about dating, or even just being good friend with, needs to respect those things. And if they don't ... they don't deserve you."
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(A part of him does.)
"Yeah," he agrees, not knowing what else to say.
Not knowing what else he can say.
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"And now, as my friend Mary would say, you have a very important decision to make.
"Ice cream or cocoa?"
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Albus blinks up at her a little confusedly.
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"For your chocolate?
"Because friends bringing you chocolate is a cliched but integral part of this kind of discussion.
"Cake, biscuits, and 'just get a chunk of it from Honeydukes' are also options."
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Albus laughs a little.
"Um. I didn't know that."
Having, you know, never gone through anything like this before.
"Er. I think cocoa might be better right now? Um. Thank you."
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It's about having friends to bring it to you.
(And, okay, it's a little about the chocolate, which is why Albus' cocoa will arrive with both whipped cream and chocolate shavings on top.)
"You're welcome."
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He's not sure there are very many other people he could talk to.
(He had once thought that Scorpius could have been another one of those people ...
Though he isn't sure he wants to rule it out completely yet either. At least not forever.)
He takes a sip of his cocoa.
In the end, continuing to use the door to get to this place might not be so bad an idea after all.